I’m A Hottie, Are You?
Girl, I’m a hottie, especially at night.
It’s not that I used to be a Playboy Bunny that makes me a hottie.
It’s not cuz I have a voluptuous figure.
What makes me a hottie is my hormones!
If you’re a hormonal hottie, too, listen up.
You need flannel sheets in summer.
In the season of life called menopause, my body randomly flashes nuclear.
I thought women were kidding about overheating, but no, it’s true.
And when the flame burns itself out,
there is glistening moisture (also known as sweat in more unrefined circles),
and moisture needs flannel.
You need flannel sheets because they are so absorbent.
After the glistening moisture,
the evaporation process begins,
and I am cold in 85 degree heat.
You need the flannel sheets for their warmth.
All this climate irregularity makes me a trifle agitated.
I need the flannel sheets for the
snuggling comfort I used to get from Mr. 4-Ever
before I scared him to the opposite side of the bed.
“Don’t touch me, I’M HOT!!!”
Sound familiar to anyone?
You need flannel sheets for their softness.
You would think all that heat would
burn off a few extra calories, but apparently,
instead of turning into energy,
I am storing every calorie I ingest for the rest of my life.
I haven’t experienced weight gain like this since the 3rd trimester of pregnancy.
I need my flannel sheets because, though all my clothes
(including my socks) are tight, my flannel sheets are comfortable.
You need flannel sheets for their comfort.
My skin texture is changing.
The flesh at my jaw, neck and chest is starting to look a little crêpey.
Very reminiscent of nursing home residents and raw chicken skin.
I need my flannel sheets to sustain the delusion that my skin looks like it does
in the morning from the pattern of the bedding, not from aging.
You need flannel sheets for their texture.
So when Mr. 4-Ever asked if we are taking the flannel sheets off now that it’s the middle of summer,
I say,“No, we’ll be keeping them on a bit longer.”
At least until I’m not a hormonal hottie anymore.
Flannel sheets in summer.
You won’t find that one on Pinterest.
But if you’re a hormonal hottie, you will love it!
Ecclesiastes 3:1 There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens.
Prayer: God, I know this is just a season, and it will pass. Give me the grace and humor to traverse through it with cheer. Thank you for every day and for flannel sheets. Amen.